I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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