a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
that may or may not have been my penis.
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