I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Randomize
