Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
