butt plug
anus plug
rubbish cock?
yes
you suck at this game today
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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