I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
