I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
