Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
