Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize