I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
