cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
