Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Sex in the backyard? Check.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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