Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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