My hand turned me down
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
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