she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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