I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
