Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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