This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
