My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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