porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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