Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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