i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
