ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
