His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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