Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
