so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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