I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
