Whats the glycemic index on semen?
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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