The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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