Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
