Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize