I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
