I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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