I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Randomize
