Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Boobs speak an international language.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Randomize