found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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