bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize
