Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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