Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
