Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
