I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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