Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
