So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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