Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
