She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
