i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
