is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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