I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
