why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
