just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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