There was a lot of him and a little penis
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
