I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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