yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Randomize
