All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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