My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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