maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Randomize
