I don't usually arrange sex via text message
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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