I can't watch pbs sober anymore
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
