If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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