There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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