I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
