HIV tests are more positive than that guy
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
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