I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
