How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
