already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
